Sugar and Salt: I dare you to eat them

Why do we like salty foods, i.e. the turbo burger at Fatty Mcfat-Fats weighing in at 19lbs with 7 lbs of fries on the side….and chili…tons of chili.  Or, on the flip side(is there a flip side and if so, what is a flip side?) the super bitchin’ $46 milk shake made with eleventy cubes of sugar and sugar milk as well as sugar ice cream…and sugar…SUGARRRRRRRRRR!

We all eat food and given the drastic amount of attention put toward diet these days it’s hard to not notice, on some level, just what is going in our bodies.  If you’re like me then you’re a fan of food.  A tremendous fan even, like the person who streaks naked at a tennis match, simply because they are such a tremendous fan of the sport.  Just like that.  So why is it that we can’t just eat broccoli all day and be happy?  Ok, add some chicken or fish and perhaps some rice.  Sounds like a healthy balanced meal right?

Sugary foods are easy to understand when it comes to why we crave them; they taste good!  You can’t tell me that the double freakin’ fudge cake doesn’t rock your socks as well as your taste buds, am I right…right…right…right.  Did you also know that since the dawn of time our sweet taste receptors have drawn us toward things like berries and fruits which are good for us but also sweet?  Even still we get these cravings for the sweet stuff that isn’t so good and it boils down to our brain thinking our body is deficient in something, i.e. sugar.  In reality your body is deficient elsewhere(road being taken: high road), i.e. healthy minerals and vitamins gotten from eating food that is good for you.  Ever just want to pig out on junk when you are starving or have skipped a meal?  It’s no coincidence.

Salt is a similar issue and the crazy thing is that we actually need salt for our body to function the right way.  It could be that you just want a crunchy fun and salty snack which is ok from time to time(moderation folks!), but did you know that if you are really craving salt and all the time for no real reason you could have a medical problem?  It could be something simple like a nutrient deficiency but Bartter’s Syndrome and Addison’s disease could be very detrimental to the whole living and enjoying life thing that they talk about these days.  These two situations cause your body to not be able to process or regulate sodium…in the body.  Quick Pro Tip:   “Salt helps maintain the fluid in our blood cells and is used to transmit information in our nerves and muscles. It is also used in the uptake of certain nutrients from our small intestines. The body cannot make salt and so we are reliant on food to ensure that we get the required intake.”.  Sounds legit to me but don’t go housing a pallet full of jumbo bags of Doritos every day.

If you’re worried about your food intake and what it’s doing to you, or even if you’re not worried(you should be!!!) here’s some good information on the food pyramid about how to plan a balanced meal.  In addition, and this may seem old school since I’m sure everyone already reads these and totally understands how they work(oh wait, you don’t?), here’s how to break down and understand the labels we see on our foods.

See that?  Knowledge is…well, whatever, I’m hungry.

Movie recommendations: Ground Hog Day




How a Zombie Apocalypse will solve the world’s problems.

Human beings fight.  They fight a lot.  In fact, they’ve been fighting since the dawn of time and even before Al Gore created the internet…which was apparently sometime in the late 15th century.  That’s right.  The Internet superseded electricity.  It makes sense if you don’t think about it.

We ask now, knowing how humans fight constantly in wars, in government and at the supermarket for that super close spot…not the handicapped spot, the one right next to the handicapped spot…what would be a way to solve all of our issues in one sweeping act to make us stop fighting?  Humans have a lot of problems with each other and anything being different especially if it’s something that isn’t easily understood.  So because of that, we fight.  Sure it’ll start out as a small argument in the checkout aisle at Aldi but then it’ll straight up escalate into a WWF(or WWE if you’re a youngin’) battle royale with chairs being thrown, a romp through the produce section and somehow the meat coolers will start exploding and…well you get the point.

The only one way I and my co-writer(Mairead from Ireland…they have the same problems as us, but tastier beer) for this article could see to actually solve all the world’s issues and get us to stop fighting would be for a Zombie Apocalypse to happen and we all become zombies.  You never see(in the movies) zombies fighting other zombies(real life is probably another story).  They are all in agreement that all they need to do is eat brains and no one ever takes umbrage with that.  It’s really almost like utopia…except we’re all zombies.

With everyone being a zombie we’ve now gotten rid of the need to pay bills, work, clean ourselves, drive, clean our homes…no real responsibility.  We have one thing on our mind when we’re not eating brains and that’s to find and eat brains.  I like to think of it as being a minimalist!  And let’s not forget, no more world issues or disagreements between people(technically there’s no people anymore)!  Everyone wins(except the people that lose and that’s all the zombies which is everyone).

So, there it is.

See, being a zombie isn't so're hair does get spikier though.


Movie: Zombieland

Video Game: Left For Dead 1 or 2

Cereal: Zombie O’s


@mairead, my Irish Friend

Facebook Statii: What?

So, Facebook.  It exists and we all have it and some of us even require it to sustain life, much like food, or water…or air…or food.  I’m here today to discuss briefly the different types of Facebook status updates and what the point is(see: none).  Starting at the start, let’s run ’em down:

Total waste of bytes: Status with one word, no real information given, something nonsensical.  Pretend Facebook status as an example: “Marklar.”.  No information given yet some will sit and stare at that statement trying to derive a meaning until blood shoots out their nose.

The Classic Oversharer: Pretty obvious here, let’s go right to the pretend Facebook status as an example: “Totally just yakked everywhere and just got my fever taken(rectally)” or such hits as “Just miscarried in the bathroom but still hitting the bar tonight.”(editor’s note: Don’t say it…I know.).  We’ve all seen these…and we all go “Woah, way too much information.”.

The guy who starts shit:  There’s always that one guy or gal who requires conflict in his or her life to live happily(see: wicked Emo).  You may see him or her post such gems as “I love abortion, it’s the best.” or “Politics, politics, politics…uninformed opinion.”.  I also like the controversial pictures too…sparks intense discussion, i.e. my opinion is right, you’re wrong, let’s discuss in ALL CAPS TO SHOW ANGER!

Funny pictures guy: “Look at this picture I just found on the internet you all need to totally see and comment a lot and have a debate or tell a personal story all about how this picture, on the internet, effects you.”.  I actually like these and some of the stuff is hilarious.  Even though that is the case, it still doesn’t beat what’s on the way.

My all time and absolute favorite of all Facebook statii:

Wicked positive status with extreme vagueness: After having an extremely fun night doing who knows what, one is compelled to type out a status on Facebook to tell everyone all about it.  What happens is something along the lines of, “Great times with great friends at a great place everyone likes where we did great things and only great things happened.  So blessed.”

There are many other types and styles of Facebook statii, but these are the ones I notice and enjoy most.  Shout out and Special thanks to Jamie for helping to compile this list!  Perhaps we’ll all see each other again in Facebook Statii: What? part 2: the search for more money.



Pancakes: Excellent morning meal or Pure unadulterated lethargy circles

I was making pancakes over the weekend for Sunday drunch(see: drinking brunch) and since there were a ton left over, either because they sucked or because the gluten/dairy free variety just weirded people out, or because they sucked, I enjoyed them again this morning for breakfast.  It got me thinking about being a kid and eating pancakes on Saturdays with my Dad, drumcorps pancakes on show days and other assorted good thoughts…involving pancakes.  Generally good times have existed when pancakes were involved…except one time.  Which got me wondering, just where the hell did the freakin’ pancake originate?  Who’s crazy freak mind came up with such a simple yet amazing piece of foodstuff.  Sometimes I Just wonder things.

You may not know it but pancakes in some form or fashion have existed since the 5th century.  The basic idea has always been a simple and easy meal that provided some nutrition and energy so people could live their day whether it was hunting and gathering or being that guy sitting at IHOP that weighs 250lbs more than you will ever way and is drinking the boysenberry syrup.  No one knows who exactly developed this breakfast jammer-jam but it’s been seen in ruins throughout Europe(true) and the lost city of Atlantis(I made that up).  There’s not much to a pancake right, just some floury type stuff, eggs, milk…flavoring if you’re “That Guy”.  So in reality it’s not exactly a nutritional meal, just something to fill the stomach containing no real vitamins or fiber or any good stuff they say you need on TV.

So based off of that information, there’s also this knowledge nugget of…well…knowledge I guess, to keep in mind.  Pancakes are carbs, and usually heavy carbs based off of white bleached flour, which can be found in basically everything from breads to pasta to fruits and veggies and breakfast cereals and sloths and orangutangs…wait.  What?  So when you eat stuff like that, it’s really good and sometimes more than your fair share may be eaten…because it’s freakin’ tasty.  Your stomach basically has to hop into overdrive at that point to start digesting this stuff and it can do more whacky things if you rock a half bottle of syrup(which I do) on top which will make your sugar levels go nuts, all the live long day. Your blood has to flow a bit more intensely to help the stomach endure this pancake onslaught and considering that we’re probably just going to go sit down now after this huge-ass meal, that does not help matters either.

So at this point, we’ve eaten way too much and we’re sitting there at home on the couch watching Bring It On on TBS for the 13th time this week(for example) and we suddenly realize, “I know I just woke up like an hour ago and all I’ve done is have breakfast but I’m tired all the sudden”.  “I hate when that happens because I really like Bring It On and really hope to get all the way through to the ultra happy ending”(still an example).  Could it have been the pancakes?  “I really like the part with Sparky Palastri“(example still going on, not sure why).


Pancakes = Pure unadulterated lethargy circles that can be an excellent morning meal


^ Cratinus, 125, Comicorum Atticorum Fragmenta via Wikipedia

Lewis Black – White Album

Monty Python and the search for the Holy Grail

Snow: Pretty winter precipitation or silent mob style killer?

Killer S

Killer Snow!

Snow.  If you’re from a place like Syracuse, NY, which is where I grew up, you’re very familiar with this type of precipitation and have probably come to generally abhor its existence .  It’s a pain because it makes the roads total crap, forces you to get up early to brush off your car before work and later in the day sets you up to have to do the most strenuous work on earth, i.e. shovel a driveway.  Sounds silly but people suffer heart attacks and many even die from shoveling snow.  That fact is legit.  So, you can basically think of snow as a silent, deadly killer.  But look at it.  Doesn’t look deadly(the silent part is right on though).

So with snow looking all cool and stuff, let’s say you get the bright idea, you genius you, to eat some.  Perhaps you’ve been hiking in the wilderness and have gotten lost and have no water.  You think to yourself “eat the snow” because sure, it’s water right?  Let’s say your situation isn’t that dire and the paint chips you rocked as a child have finally caught up with you and you just want to eat some snow.  There’s various reasons in between those two situations for wanting to eat snow but those are the ends of the spectrum we’re dealing with here I feel.

So, you eat some snow.  What happens?  A lot of things actually and it’s hard to really know just exactly what was in that snow you just tossed down your gullet.  Snow is crystallized rain and rain is water so it should be fine…insert 1940’s dun dun duuuuuuuuun sound…but that’s not so-ish.  Here’s what may be in that snow you just put the hurt on…

-Bacteria:  Snow is amazing at collecting bacteria.  You may think “but everything has bacteria”, and to that I would say “thank you detective”, but some of the bacteria may be harmful.

-Pee: Snow has probably been pissed on in some form or fashion by a dog…or a drunken frat boy…or just someone who is seriously bored or has no indoor plumbing.  Urine…yep.

-Glass, trash, other: There could be any number of random whatever was on the road before the snow fell contained in the snow.  So, from dog shiz, to newspaper, to glass bottle chunk…it’s a smorgasbord of hurt.

Let’s go back to the example of trying to live off snow to survive.  Basically if none of those things straight up wreck you, yes you could live off of snow, but in reality you really need to melt it first.  If you don’t melt the snow before you ingest it, you can wind up lowering you bodies temperature which would essentially cause you to freeze inside out, like the dude in Goodfellas who was found dead in the meat freezer truck.  Yep, just like that.  Snow becomes your own personal Jimmy Conway(he murdered said guy in freezer truck), which takes us all the way back around to the first original point which is that snow is a killer.  As your body is slowing down from the cold you don’t even realize that you’re done for.

Final verdict:  Snow = Silent mob style killer

Sources: – images